i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
