its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
