maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
