The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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