i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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