Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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