I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
