Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
