Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
