I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Help. Why am I so naked?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
