He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
