**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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