I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize