Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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