Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
