if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
