Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize