Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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