Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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