Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize