Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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