Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
