why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
