she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
