i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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