there's paper in my vomit.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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