i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
