dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
