I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
