I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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