Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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