I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
