I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
