I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
