I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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