I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
