I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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