Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
