Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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