I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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