Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
