sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
