Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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