if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
