I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
