my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
