I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
