threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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