No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
