I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
