Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
