Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
