true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
