It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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