Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
