He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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