soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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