you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
