hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
